The pull

I’m not sure if it’s gazing at the mixtiles on the stairs, the lingering pandemic or just normal mum feelings but I really feel pulled in both directions at the moment. It feels like I am a thick tug of war rope at an old school fete as the dads battle it out for strongest dad kudos.

I want time to fast forward through this pandemic to get full normality again but I also want time to standstill. I want get my maximum quota of Sybil head sniffs before it’s too late and she smells more like spaghetti bolognese mixed with garden filth like her brothers. Not to mention the full five second time restraints they put on a head sniff before running off back to their game.

I want to drink up the last few weeks of summer and freedom but also crave some routine with exhausted children from a full day of learning.

I want to lose 4 stone and be a toned goddess but also want to eat all the cake and drink white wine in the sun. It doesn’t quite go hand in hand does it?

I want to keep the children this little but equally want to see what they will become in life.

I want to relive those first few weeks with friends and family able to meet and hold Sybbie out of a lockdown. Sorting through Sybbie’s old clothes makes me feel sad she’s grown so much already but also stirs up some painful memories. The first few months with her milk allergy were so hard and exhausting, I couldn’t wait for bedtime to roll around. Guilt hits at wishing that precious time away but she had two modes at that point, asleep or screaming.

I want to escape to a hot beach with cocktails on tap but know I don’t really as I’ll spend the whole time seeing things the children would enjoy and wondering what mischief they are up to.

I want to work and contribute financially but equally want to be here for the children after school, especially while they are so little.

Maybe I need to stop channeling my inner Veruca Salt with all my wants to feel the pull less. Each stage is as good as the last and that quiet beach with cocktails is getting a little closer in the distant future. I know full well when it finally comes, I will want to time travel back to the start and do it all over again. Even sleepless nights look good through rose-tinted glasses right?

I guess the best part of life is the beauty in the unpredictability of it all. We balance our time, love and relationships as best we can and cling on dearly for the ride. The memories made along the way fill our hearts to the brim and the worries of today are insignificant tomorrow. Besides, it would be rather boring if we knew what we wanted all the time.